The Real Reason You Can’t Leave (Or Stay): A Therapist's Perspective

You’ve known for a while that something needs to change. And yet, here you are, still in the same place, your thoughts circling again and again, exhausted by a decision that never quite gets made.

If this sounds familiar, you're not weak, and you're not bad at making decisions. You might be caught in one of the most human experiences there is: being genuinely, painfully stuck.

What stuckness actually looks like

In my work as a psychotherapist in London, one of the most common things that brings people to therapy isn't a crisis. It's this feeling of paralysis around a major life decision - often whether to leave a long-term relationship or stay.

Clients describe it in different ways. "I can see both sides so clearly - that's the problem." "Part of me knows what I want, but I just can't do it." "I've been going round in circles for years."

What strikes me every time is how intelligent and self-aware these clients are. They aren't confused about the facts. They can articulate the case for leaving and the case for staying with equal clarity. And that clarity, paradoxically, is exactly what keeps them frozen.

Two parts, both trying to help

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we understand this kind of stuckness as a polarity: two parts of you in direct conflict, each with its own logic, its own fears, and its own very good reasons for existing.

One part wants to leave. It's carrying a longing for something real and essential - perhaps greater intimacy, authenticity, peace, a sense of finally being happy. This part has often been patient for a long time. It's tired.

The other part wants to stay. It's holding the weight of everything that could be lost - financial stability, a shared home, the shape of a life built together. And if children are involved, this part carries that too. It worries about starting over, about age, about the unknown.

Here's what's important: neither part is wrong. Neither is the enemy. Both are trying to protect you.

But when two parts are this opposed, they tend to drown each other out. The result isn't a decision. It's paralysis.

What therapy can offer

Working with stuckness in IFS isn't about helping you decide. It's not about weighing up pros and cons more efficiently, or identifying which part is "right."

It's about helping each part feel genuinely heard, often for the first time. When the part that wants to stay no longer has to shout to be taken seriously, it can soften a little. When the part that wants to leave feels acknowledged rather than suppressed, it stops needing to push so hard.

What shifts isn't always the decision itself. It's the quality of the stuckness. The exhausting internal tug of war begins to quieten. Clients often say there’s more space to think, to feel, to eventually find their own clarity - in their own time. Without pushing, without agenda.

These are some of the most complex presentations I work with as a therapist. They don't resolve quickly or neatly, and anyone who tells you otherwise is probably oversimplifying. But something does change when parts that have been locked in conflict finally get to be heard.

Thinking about therapy?

If you recognise yourself in any of this, therapy might be a useful space to explore what's underneath the stuckness - not to be told what to do, but to understand yourself more fully. And in that understanding, a decision often emerges.

I offer psychotherapy and IFS therapy online across the UK and Europe, and in person at London Bridge. If you'd like to find out more, you're welcome to book a free 30-minute consultation.